Mercredi 22 Janvier 2020 - Migraine is back

Some people really struggle to understand what having a migraine feels like, so let me try to explain that.

I’ve been having migraines for years now and honestly they keep getting stronger and longer. Last one I had lasted for three fucking days and it felt like ages.
It’s now been since yesterday night and I can’t deal with it anymore (and I guess the fact that I have absolutely NO MEDICINE to reduce the pain doesn’t help...).

Anyway, as he never had one (lucky him) my bf doesn’t get the fact that I can’t do shit when I have one.
Like nothing at all.

I can’t stand light nor any type of noise, everything feels like torture to me.
Moreover, as they often come before going to sleep, you can easily guess that I have a veeery hard time trying to sleep in those cases.
Tonight was no exception, my head hurt as hell, I couldn’t sleep even though he tried to help by massaging my temples with some tiger’s balm. It’s only a temporary solution, it doesn’t actually make the migraine go away.

So this morning I decided I wasn’t going to school cause obviously, it would’ve been pointless because migraine makes focusing impossible as you just want to DIE (if you’re lucky enough not to be already dead).
But that little piece of shit made me feel guilty and almost forced me to go, which I KNEW was a terrible idea, but I went anyway as it was useless trying to fight.

For real, I listened for what, maybe an hour and a half, maybe less. I tried typing on my computer but even staring at the screen was pure torture. So I just put my head in my arms and tried to listen and focus while staying in the dark.
Even the sound of the teacher’s voice was unbearable.

They almost all have a break after about an hour or so, just when I started feeling nauseous, so I just took the opportunity to leave, you know, just trying not to puke on someone’s head or something.

I went outside and honestly, feeling the fresh air (not the fucking strong wind though) when you have a migraine is heaven.
I ate a bit even though I wasn’t that hungry (just in case I needed to puke, so I had something in my stomach, I know, gross).

So in the end, I got up this morning knowing I wasn’t going to stay at the university, and actually stayed for an hour, when I could’ve slept instead.
I did it only to please my bf, whom I’m now waiting for so we can go to my mom’s.

I don’t know how to make him understand that this has nothing to do with laziness or unwillingness, but is more about how you can’t do anything but lock yourself up in your room, in the dark and just wait until it’s over.

By the way, to prove I was willing to work despite my migraine, I went to the university library and then realised I left everything (papers, pens...) at his house this morning.


Anyway, now I’m cold, still at the library, finding some strenght to write this.

Oh yes because he wanted me to join him to attend a conference on a topic I give no shit about, another example of him not understanding that I don’t want to hear ANYONE right now (still love you though).

I want some quietness, darkness and warmth, that’s all.
Oh and food maybe.

See you, hopefully without a migraine.