Mercredi 24 Juillet 2019 - 22h22 - Your face remains
Felt like the need to write something in English. Maybe to feel less guilty about what I’ve been feeling lately.
Cause yes, he’s still in my mind after all this fucking time and it kills me by how stupid and melancholic I can be. Actually, I think I know why it comes back now…
A few days before leaving Japan, I decided to send him a postcard, I had the idea a couple months before going, but a friend told me "What’s the point ? You guys aren’t talking anymore.".
So I kinda forgot about it, yet, it stayed in a corner of my mind, you know, just in case I would feel the need to do it anyway. Which I did. In fact, I met with a friend in Osaka and I asked her if she thought it was such a bad idea (even though she had no idea about how my relationship with him was, except for the fact that he was my ex boyfriend). She told me "If you feel like it, do it. You are still friends, you may not talk much nowadays but if you want to do it then you should, or else you’ll regret not doing it."
So I thought a lot about that, and during my last week end there, I said fuck it and bought that damn postcard. If I remember well, I wrote something like (shorten version though) :
"Hope everything’s well for you, I wanted to hear from you and give you some news since it’s been a while. Living the dream here, I know I used to talk a lot about it back then, and I finally got to do it, couldn’t be happier. You’ll probably get this when I’m back in France but anyway, once again, hoping you are doing well and enjoying your holidays !".
I got his response maybe a week after I came back, and oh boy, was I surprised.
First of all he answered on SnapChat, he took a shot of the card on his bed and added a long text (which I took a picture of with my camera because I didn’t want him to see if I had taken a screenshot).
The length/maturity/kindness of what he wrote was really unusual, that’s how I felt the change in his personnality, he really grew up and matured. I think we both did though.
So if I had to sum up what he said, it would be more or less this :
"Really really touched to see you thought about me ! I wanted to text you while you were there but I thought it would be weird as we hadn’t talked in a while. I’m so happy for you that you could finally make your dream come true after all this time. Everything’s fine for me, life’s going on. See you soon !"
I’ll let you imagine how happy I was when he sent me this, even though the conversation stopped here. It was enough to know he liked the attention.
Anyway, I’ll have more to say about this, I think this topic is never-ending but that’s how it is right ?
Just wanted to be clear with myself "on the paper" :
I do still care about him.
That’s a fact I can’t deny. Even after more than two years, I felt like I couldn’t care less, but that would be lying. Ans it remains a problem cause it’s monopolizing my mind when I’d like it to be free of it.
Smh, some things never change.
But we definitely do.